Friday, February 22, 2008

New rules for airplane exit-row seating

  1. People seated in the exit-row must be 6’5” or taller.
    1. Exception #1: When someone within the height range is traveling with a spouse or family members that aren’t 6’5” or taller, that spouse or one family member will be allowed to sit in the exit-row.
    2. Exception #2: Exit-row seats will only be available to average-height people once it is determined by the crew that no one within the accepted height range is on the flight. If it is found that someone on the plane 6’5” or taller wants an exit-row seat, the smaller human being must relinquish his or her exit seat. Patrons will follow this pattern if there is more than one tall person wanting an exit-row seat.
  2. Being obese doesn’t qualify you for exit-row seating. The seats are no wider in the exit-row. This is a problem only money can fix. $200 more for a first-class seat.
  3. If there happens to be an average-height person who refuses to give their exit-row seat to a taller, vastly superior being, they will be immediately removed by flight attendants and stuffed in the overhead bins.
    1. If the overhead bins are too full, try under the seat in front of you. If this does not work, the person must check themselves as baggage.
  4. In order to force a segment of average height people from being able to sit in the exit-row window seats, the exit door will now way 85 lbs instead of 35 lbs. The argument being: the tall people that want those exit-row seats are usually much stronger than the short people that all too often get those exit-row seats.
  5. When seated in the exit-row, and an average-height person in the row in front of you tries to recline their seat and can’t because they are in the row in front of the exit-row, all of those that are seated in the exit-row must perform the wave, cheer, and high five each other.
  6. If the flight attendants do not offer their services in finding a seat with more leg room for you, your flight is free.
  7. If a short or average-height person refuses to give their exit-row seat up at all costs, that person is officially a jackass. He or she will now have to be subjected to a contest. The contest: a dwarf-tossing contest. The contestants: all people 6’5” or taller that were denied an exit-row seat. The ammo: the average-height jackass.

1 comment:

Rav Shmuel said...

Hey - I agree with everything you say with one exception: the height should start at 6'4" - and my opinion has nothing to do with my own personal height but everything to do with my own personal knees who suffer through many flights being pressed in to the seat in front of me... Let's start a revolution!