Someone recentely told me they feel like a waste of God's time. I could have responded a lot of different ways, but I went with what I believe and said this.
Your first gripe about feeling like a waste of God's time is classic and applicable to all of us who have tried to follow Him. I can only speak about my personal experiences. A part of my relationship with God will always be me being aware of stumbling in my faith. We know when we haven't done the best thing, and for me, that doesn't even come with a conscious relationship with God, that is part of the knowledge of good and evil that God has instilled in human nature. I always know when I have done bad, even if no one notices or tells me. The reason it hurts so much is that I would like to hide that bad doing of mine from everyone, even God, but that is impossible. So, we must surrender our knowledge of our mistake to Him. If we do so, but to a God we only fear, we still won't feel that good. I don't want to be confessing to God just because I fear his wrath. I want Him to know my weaknesses. I want to swing that door open and let Him come in and wreck shop like no one else can. I think it is great to know when you haven’t been doing so well. You know where there are improvements to be made. You know what to bring up to God. However, this can lead to being overwhelmed by the knowledge of your laziness and sins. I have experienced this a lot. I spend my time counting my bad deeds and then I just don't see anything else. It has helped me to focus on one problem at a time, or to get to the root of a sin, and heal it from there out. You can pray about the others while you are doing this, but you can't work on them all simultaneously. That is God's job, and he is pretty good at that. Another thing to remember...you will always sin. That doesn't mean your behavior is justified, but you have to come to grips with your lack of divinity. You’re human, okay? But that doesn't mean you can ignore the itch for the rest of your life.
I also struggle with being confident in my abilities and being humble at the same time. I think there is a helpful middle ground that can be reached. It is where you know you are good, or at least decent at something, but you are able to keep this great respect for those that are older and clearly better than you, and you need to recognize greatness in those younger than you too. So, it is a pursuit of greatness while always paying attention to the greats. For me, this is really something that I have learned a lot about since graduating college. I have a lot more respect for people out there trying to make it, trying to live there dream, and that in itself is enough humility training for a lifetime because I realize how much more work I have to do. By paying attention to the best, you will have invaluable role models that may or may not know you are drawing from their lives to develop your strengths and quell your weaknesses.
I hope this helps.
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"We all have shadows and skeletons in our backgrounds. But listen, there is something bigger in this world than we are, and that something is full of grace and mercy, patience and ingenuity. The moment the focus of your life shift from your badness to his goodness and the question not 'what have I done?' but 'what can he do?' release from remorse can happen; miracle of miracles, you can forgive yourself because you are forgiven, accept yourself because you are accepted, and begin to start building up the very places you once tore down. There is grace to help in every time of trouble. That grace is the secret to being able to forgive ourselves. Trust it."
~ John R. Claypool
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